


Take It Back

by orphan_account



Series: Franklin [4]
Category: Paramore
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-27
Updated: 2017-01-27
Packaged: 2018-09-20 05:07:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,138
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9476963
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: What has Hayley gotten herself into?(Hayley fucks up.  It might not be alright.)





	

**Author's Note:**

> it's me again, back with a huge bucket of angst. a few people have asked me to explore homophobia, so this is my attempt to do so. as a queer person, it's hard for me to place myself in the shoes of a straight person raised to loathe gay people, but i tried to make hayley reasonable. 
> 
> as usual, i do not own any of the persons portrayed in this work of utter fiction. any resemblance to actual situations is completely coincidental. if you are a person i have written about in this piece, make friends with the back button and for the love of god, don't fucking google yourself. you know better, hayley. at least i'm not an armpit fetish page. 
> 
> this takes place in january 2007. hayley is 18, zac is still 16, and josh is 19.
> 
> as always, thank you so much for reading. enjoy.

Hayley’s been having some kind of day, man. She had a really stupid tiff with Jeremy that still has her mad. Her mom’s on her case about money she owes her. Just to make her feel worse, she told her that McKayla ripped up a bunch of her show posters - the irreplaceable ones, of course. The whole world is against her. Sometimes being on the road fucking sucks. 

To top it all off, it’s gonna be a sleepless night tonight for sure. Josh is in his bunk tonight, keeping up appearances for a guest. It’s always hard to sleep without him, so after what feels like ages of tossing and turning, she wanders back into the lounge. She could always take a crack at writing in her diary, which is stashed between cushions. When her eyes adjust to the light, she sees Zac, who has a very familiar book in his hands... 

Oh no. Her diary. Of course he has her fucking diary. This is perfect, just the best thing to end this endless day.

“That’s mine,” Hayley says. “Give it back.” 

“I want to see what juicy things you have to say in here,” Zac says. He flips to a random page and starts to read in a high pitched voice that sounds nothing like hers. “Dear Diary -”

“Zac, if you don’t stop -” 

“Last night was something else, something I can barely describe -”

Oh jeez, that entry? That was after their first time, shit - “Zachary, that’s private -”

“His hands on me, his kisses all over, his - are you really writing about having sex with my brother?”

“The whole idea is that no one reads it but me,” Hayley says, lunging at him. “I’m warning you, you better give it back -”

“Or what?” Zac says, dodging her with all the confidence in the world. “Who are you gonna tell? Are you gonna hit me, because that’s gonna feel like a little tap -”

“I’ll tell Josh about what you and Taylor are doing,” Hayley says.

She didn’t mean to say it. She had settled on keeping it to herself, but Zac was just exposing her innermost thoughts and feelings. It was the only thing she could think of that would get him to stop. By how ghostly white he turns, the book falling and landing with a thud on the floor, she’s got his attention. She wishes she could go back in time and just let him read her diary.

“How did you...?” Zac says, but he’s just going through the motions of this conversation. He looks like he’s gonna be sick.

“I went to go get my wallet,” Hayley says. “For the movie. And you guys were down there wrestling and then you were kissing and I couldn’t look away...”

“I told him we were alone,” Zac says, almost to himself. “I thought we were alone, but he was right. He always is.... Oh my God...”

Zac sits down on the couch, head in his hands, shaking almost violently. It takes Hayley a moment to realize he’s crying, and oh no, she did this. She should have just let him read her diary. There isn’t all that much else in there. She talks about blowing Josh in the shower, but that’s nothing in comparison to Zac’s silent sobs, body wracked with the motion of crying. 

“You can’t tell Josh,” Zac says. “Please, he’ll kill me, please...”

“I’m not gonna tell him,” Hayley says. “I shouldn’t have said anything -”

“I don’t blame you for wanting to tell him,” Zac says. 

“I don’t want to tell him,” Hayley says. “I said that to get you to stop and it wasn’t right and I’m sorry.”

“I’ll literally do anything for you if you don’t tell him, but you have to promise,” Zac says, and oh no, she can’t tell now. “Hayley.”

“I promise,” Hayley says. It’s going to be hard to keep this to herself, but if she managed for this long now, she’ll be alright. 

“What do you want?” Zac says. “I can buy you something or let you borrow my gun.”

That would be pretty cool, but that’s not really what she wants. “I want you to tell me how it happened.”

Zac looks pained, like he wishes she hadn’t said that. “You sure you don’t want to borrow my gun?”

“You don’t have to go into any kind of detail,” she says. She doesn’t know if she wants to know much detail beyond their start. “Just tell me. How long have you been doing this?”

“Not super long,” Zac says. “Since August, and it’s January now, so...”

“That’s like four, five months, okay,” Hayley says, nodding as she processes it. She’s impressed that Zac could keep anything a secret for that long.

“We both decided it would be better to not say anything,” Zac says. “Too much at stake. I’d like to still have him in one piece.”

“I’m not gonna say anything,” Hayley says. “I promise. Really.”

“Are you absolutely sure?” Zac says. He’s right to look wary. She really did fuck up bad.

“I would have told Josh by now if I was going to tell at all,” Hayley says. She pauses. She’s gotta say it. “It’s not wrong, you know.”

Zac’s eyebrows might as well be touching his hairline. “What?”

“At least, I don’t think it is,” Hayley says. “I’m still trying to figure it out. I mean, I can’t help liking guys. I didn’t choose to. It’s just always been that way. So I guess it’s the same thing for you with Taylor, right?”

“I mean, I lo - I like him a lot, but I wouldn’t choose it.” Zac’s cheeks turn pink as he looks away from Hayley, like he’s said too much. 

“What was that?” Hayley says. If he means what she thinks he means... Gosh, she is so in over her head. “Do you love him?”

Zac covers his face with his hands, but at least he’s not crying. That makes her feel better. He drags his hands down his face, looking perplexed. “Gosh, I don’t know. How do you know you love a person, anyway?”

Hayley thinks for a second. How _does_ someone figure it out who’s never felt it before? She thinks about her and Josh, how she knew so suddenly. Hmm. “Do you need to hear him say good night to you?”

Zac pauses for a second. “Is that how you know?”

“Well, that’s how it was for me,” Hayley says. “I needed Josh to be the last person I talked to before I went to bed, even if it was on the phone. If I didn’t have that, I couldn’t sleep. I mean, I’m sentimental and cheesy like that, but that’s how I knew.”

“You are,” Zac says, jabbing her shoulder with his elbow. Good, at least he’s joking around again. “I think about him a lot. And I get kind of nauseous when he talks to me, but nauseous in a good way. Butterflies or some dumb shit like that.”

“That’s sweet,” Hayley says. She means it, which feels weird. 

“I mean, I guess,” Zac says, shrugging. “I don’t think he’s there with me, which is whatever. Gosh, why am I telling you all this?”

“I think I have one of those faces. Some sound guy was telling me about his marital problems the other day.” It’s a half truth, but it’ll probably make him feel better.

He smirks, then lets out a shaky sigh. “I can’t believe you know this. I can’t believe someone found out. Fuck, man.”

“It’s our secret,” Hayley says. “Let’s just forget this happened. You can read my diary and make fun of me. Honestly, I’d feel better if we forgot this happened.”

“Same,” Zac says. “I don’t really care about your diary. It’s probably boring and depressing.”

“You son of a bitch,” Hayley says, hitting him. She knows he’s bluffing, covering up how freaked out he still is, but she knows how to play the Zac game. “All that for fucking nothing.”

He laughs, albeit weakly. “I think I’m gonna go lie down, if that’s cool with you. I have a lot to think about.”

“Yeah, no, that’s cool,” she says, because what else is she going to say? Their relationship is changed. She has to process that too. 

“Take it easy,” he says. He claps her on the shoulder. “Thanks for being cool about stuff.”

“It’s no big deal,” Hayley says. “You take it easy too.”

He nods and gets up, disappearing to the front without a word. When she knows he’s gone, she cradles her head in her hands and lets out a little noise. What the fuck just happened? What the fuck has she done? 

She jumps when she feels a hand on her shoulder. When she looks up, she startles again. This is the first time ever where the sight of Josh hasn’t been a relief. His big brown eyes peer deep into hers as he sits beside her and slings an arm over her shoulder. It feels like it weighs two tons. Fuck.

“What’s wrong?” Josh asks in that sweet voice of his. “You look like you saw a ghost.” 

_Your brother has a boyfriend and he knows I know and he’s so fucking freaked out that you’ll kill him and I’m two seconds away from blurting it out even though I promised him I wouldn’t because I’m the worst person who has ever lived and I wish I was dead._ “I’m just super tired. These shows have been wearing me out lately, you know?”

“You’ve really been giving it your all,” Josh says. “I’m proud of you. Let’s hang out you and me. How does that sound?”

Normally that would be so inviting, but at the moment it makes her sick to her stomach. She’s such a hypocrite. Her relationship is secret too, but only to the public. All her friends and family know, and they coo about how she and Josh are perfect together. They could go public if they wanted to, and all people would say is that them breaking up would screw up the band. That’s not gonna happen. She’s gonna marry Josh. They’ve talked about it, so that’s a non issue. 

From what little she saw, Zac and Taylor seem to work together too, in whatever way two guys can work together. But if they went public, it would be awful, not to mention so detrimental to the band. She’s so selfish thinking about it that way. She hates herself for not thinking about how it would affect Taylor and Zac first. It’s so complex. Hayley’s always thought of herself as a mature person, but this feels way beyond her eighteen years. 

“Do you think we should go public?” Hayley asks. 

“You know that would be bad for the band right now,” Josh says. “Once we’re bigger it won’t matter. I’d like that for us, you know that.”

“I know,” she says. She kisses his soft cheek, which puts her a bit at ease. “I just wonder about us. Not about our love, but about what people think about a secret relationship.”

“Who cares what they think?” Josh says. “Once we’re married, the public will have to deal with it.”

“You’re right,” Hayley says. She gets a little giddy when she thinks about Josh maybe proposing. Not the point, though. “Do you think anyone else is in our situation?”

Josh thinks for a second. “I can’t think of anyone. Can you?”

“No,” Hayley says, probably too quickly. She is blurring those lines, treading murky waters. 

“What are you getting at, baby?” Josh asks. “I feel like you’re hiding something.”

“I’m not,” Hayley says. “I’m just thinking too much. Jumbled, tired thoughts, you know.”

“Wanna sleep out here tonight?” Josh asks. “We can just tell people we fell asleep talking. They’ll fall for it.”

“That sounds good,” Hayley says. She’s finally feeling tired. “Can you turn off the light?”

Josh gets up and switches off the light, not before grabbing a blanket from the far end of the couch. They nestle into the corner, her snuggling into his side, a perfect fit as always. Ah yes, peace. Finally. Her heart clenches when Josh kisses her.

“Good night, cookie,” he says. Her heart flutters. She loves when he calls her that. Sentimental and cheesy, that’s her. She wonders briefly if Taylor’s like her. Zac might just be like Josh.

“Good night, honey,” she says, stealing another kiss. 

Hayley’s lucky she can do this here in the open. She’s lucky, and she hates it. As she begins to drift off, she gets a pang of panic as her actions settle in. She doesn’t know what’ll happen from here, if she can keep it under wraps for much longer. That scares her more than anything.


End file.
